Dr. Rujuta's own journey

Self image before therapy

In my young age and early part of middle age, I was terribly busy as a wife, as a mother of two growing sons, one of them being mentally challenged, managing huge property inherited from my in-laws, working as a busy professional, traveling as a resource person, writing books and articles, delivering talks, speeches, presenting my research papers, being associated with quite a few non-governmental organizations, trying to search my identity.

My soul trapped in darkness

Once we had a great laugh, I turned on to tell him about my dark hidden areas. Osho said once, the sorrow goes deep and fun remains on surface.

As I went deep inside, I came to know about the infinity of that engulfing darkness. I stopped my occasional fake laughs since then.

At the bottom of my deep blue ocean

In the process of exploring and verbalizing my past memories, sadness remained the king of all emotions for almost 10 months out of 24.
I have a elder son,Samanvay who has Down's syndrome. Since his birth, everything changed in my family life . . . all topsy-turvy.

Severe panic state

I experienced panic states multiple times before, during and few months after personal therapy.
I read about panic from all sorts of media.
I learned the breathing out technique, self suggestions that it is not life threatening, of short duration.

Confrontation

After spending lot of time in crying and complaining, when my therapist confronted me for the first time to help me see the existential reality, the other side of the coin, I became speechless and surprised by the change in his approach.
He changed his soft gentle supportive being into a direct forthright piercing confronter.
This new approach helped me tremendously in breaking my defenses and my perceptive distortions.

Shame

I had no idea how much material I had inside and how long is it going to take it out.
I didn't imagine I had lot of shame inside me.
I used to cover my face with my long loose hair and my hands.

Breaking the defenses

One day I gathered the courage and broke the resistance inside me and let my shame and guilt burst out.
I cared more for myself than for my image in the mind of my therapist.
I could feel the tar, sewage dirt, and filth coming out of me.

self created trap inside me

I became aware of the presence of self-created trap set inside me.
Blaming others, and blaming situations and fate alternating with blaming self had been a major content of my outflow.
The face-to-face vision of the trap seen in my dream helped me see what lures me into self-defeat.

Lava bursting and gushing out

My God! I felt as if I have become the ocean of adrenaline.
I became the violent earth.
I became the live volcano.....cascading lava from all sides.

Flying high above the darkness

Even though I was still regressed subconsciously (small body), and had memories of being charred while bringing out all suppressed anger inside me, I could feel lot of weight being lifted from my shoulders making me feel lighter.

Third eye opening

This is the moment when I for the time felt the "Internal Locus of Control".
Before this event, I was getting aware of multiple loudspeakers of authoritative figures in my life, dictating me to obey them.
I was fed up with this external locus of control on my soul.

Bloom inside a peacock feather

I visualized a peacock feather in different color scheme and I found myself being happy inside.
This was a state when I was digesting my blissful being.

The evolved me

This painting I made, when I viewed myself happy, stable and, centered in my core.
The inside red is the energy , inspiration , intuition , creativity I have deep inside me.
The middle green zone is the phase of actual creation.
The outer yellow is the feeling of glow on my face